I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
