I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
