I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
