He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
time to smoke my breakfast
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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