i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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