Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
