You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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