It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
