Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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