I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
