JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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