you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
