today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize