happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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