My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
