I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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