I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
