he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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