yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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