And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
