Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
