the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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