Someone shit on the floor
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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