I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
