Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
