They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
