Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
