I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
