Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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