Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
