I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
