A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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