I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize