Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
