the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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