I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
