Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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