i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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