when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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