we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
