I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
