I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
