Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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