I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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