Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
