At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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