Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
