i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
should my penis look like a turkey
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
