This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
