Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
