My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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