I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
