Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize