Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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