YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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