I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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