Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
