i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
