FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
