You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
